My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
