I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
