Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
