this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
