I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
