end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
