i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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