One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
