Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
