Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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