Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Watching her eat just hurts me
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
