remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
