I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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