I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
