I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
