god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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