and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
