I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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