everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
