ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
