Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
