i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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