i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
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threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
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I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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