hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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