Well douche your snatch and let's go!
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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