he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
