Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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