Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
