my being single is dangerous.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
