My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
