he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Send help, water and tortillas.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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