I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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