Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
