Sry I called you an 8
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
