if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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