I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
