I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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