it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
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OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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