some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
