Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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