His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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