Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Randomize
