nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
