Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
