A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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