When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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