Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Non-Jews are for practice
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
