1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
