from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
