When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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