Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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