you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
