at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
