I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
